Thoughts and Feelings

Over a month later, I have returned. Sorry for the absence. Sorry that I’m apologizing to about 3 people, one of which is myself. No one follows me. I find it comical.

Anywho,

I had just about the best day I’ve had in a VERY long time yesterday. I have been texting a few guys back and forth, nothing serious or anything, just making friends. I was lying in bed when I got a text from a boy named Chris. We talked a bit the night before and in the morning he asked me out for coffee. I agreed. It wasn’t a big deal to me, but as I got ready, I started to feel a bit nervous. The anxiety only increased as I made my way to Starbucks.

Meeting people like this always makes me nervous and anxious. It’s just awkward. I wouldn’t want to get there first and wait inside. I wouldn’t want to be late and walk in and look around awkwardly until I found him. Do I hug him when I arrive? Shake hands? Smile and nod? What do I say? Hi, I’m Mikey. But he already knows my name. Ugh, it’s just so weird to me.

I ended up being first, I texted him to let him know I was inside so he would know where to find me. I got my drink and waited. I didn’t want to look like I was eagerly anticipating his arrival, but I was. He finally arrived, I stood up awkwardly to give him a hug, but didn’t. Instead we walked over to the counter so he could order his drink.

I decided it was cold inside so we went outside. It wasn’t much warmer. In fact the temperature seemed to drop significantly the longer we sat there. We made small talk, it was slightly awkward, but bearable and maybe even enjoyable. I got hungry so we went to Wendy’s.

The majority of my day was spent lazily sitting with him and making conversation. We sat in the grass at the park and unknowingly sat through the sunset. Hours passed without notice and we found ourselves sitting at the top of a slide in the blistering cold in the dead of night. We exchanged words, secrets, insecurities and embarrassing stories. Although we didn’t spend much time doing anything, it was the best night I’ve had in a long time.

All we did was walk, sit, talk and wander. We went to another park because the other had closed. We sat comfortably on the most uncomfortable jungle gym. We kept each other warm and comfortable. It was…nice.

I had a pretty good Valentine’s Day. I spent the evening with Katie. We went out to dinner at Olive Garden and watched The Vow.

There was a two hour wait but we managed to snag a table in the bar area withing about 10 minutes. Katie had the genius idea of getting tickets for a 10:05 showing. We finished dinner around 7:30. We spent the next couple hours sitting in the car talking about nothing in particular. The movie was alright. I didn’t cry like I was expecting to, but it was sweet. I didn’t really care for the ending, but it wasn’t terrible. I didn’t feel so alone until the movie was over.

I spent the night letting my mind wander to the familiar place of loneliness. I’ve been doing pretty well being alone. I know that yesterday was no different than today or the day before, but as one can expect, Valentine’s Day tends to be lonely for us single ladies.

I expect this feeling to pass within a couple days. I feel silly because I tell Katie that having a boyfriend shouldn’t be a priority and that she should just enjoy her time to herself or with friends, yet here I am longing for someone to hold me, or even just someone to have a conversation with. Katie say I give her the best advice when it comes to these sorts of things, so why can’t I follow my own advice. We’re in similar situations. What it all boils down to is being alone and wanting that to end. I tell her things that make her see things in a different light and she feels better, even if only for a moment. But I can never seem to understand those same words of advice.

I remind myself of why I’m alone in the first place. I wasn’t happy. But I’m not too happy right now either. Maybe I’m just not a happy person. That can’t be the case because there have been plenty of times when I was pretty damn happy, both in a relationship and not. I hate this feeling mostly because I feel like an idiot for feeling this way. I don’t need to base my happiness on a boy, I should find happiness in myself. This was my problem before, I let someone else have control over my emotions. The problem now is I don’t have control over my emotions. I’ve given up control to a few imaginary people and I don’t know how I’m going to manage getting that back.

I kind of forgot that I had this blog. Not that there’s been much in my life to update on…

Maybe that’s the reason I haven’t been writing. There’s simply nothing to write about.

School started Monday. I’m only taking two classes, one of which is only once a week. It’s pretty manageable and I think I’ll do well this semester. I feel motivated. I want to get my AA done already, it’s taken far too long.

Melinda told me today that she may be moving to Louisiana this summer. If this happens, I might just work through the summer, save every penny and move to San Francisco. I’ll just finish out school there. I don’t want to be in this city anymore. I just want to move forward in my life and I feel like that can’t be done here. My job is fun but the pay is terrible half the year. My job allows me to pay for gas to get to and from work and to eat most of the week. I break even or go negative by a few dollars every week. It’s exhausting. I just want to be in a better place financially, physically, mentally, emotionally and literally. I’m happy, but barely.

In other news, I decided to audition for The Voice. Auditions are being held in LA at the end of next month. The only thing is I’ve only been ok with singing in front of people while I’m drunk and something tells me I won’t be allowed to drink at the auditions. My main motivation for trying out is the possibility of meeting Adam Levine. I remember the only time I went to karaoke sober. I was trembling constantly. I choked a few times and I was just plain awkward. That was in a room with maybe 30 people. Now how do I expect to sing in front of a studio audience hoping that at least 1 of 4 music superstars will turn their chairs around signifying that they want to coach me. I was nervous just watching the auditions Monday. Honestly, even if no one picked me, I’d be happy enough just to have gotten to that point. Sure, it’d be awesome to get picked, but it hasn’t been a dream of mine my whole life. I would be completely satisfied with meeting the coaches and moving on with my life.

Enough ramblings for tonight. I’m going to attempt to entertain myself a bit longer before going to bed. Goodnight universe.

So recently Lance asked Katie for his house key which he swears I have and his Britney Spears CD. I took it as an opportunity to get my stuff back, so I told her to ask him for a jacket a scarf and a pair of socks. I know he has all three because there are pictures of them all on his Facebook. I wasn’t malicious or anything. Katie was going to take his belongings last night. I even threw in his taxes from last year which I’m sure he had forgotten about. Then I thought, I’ll probably never get my stuff back, so maybe I should hold on to this stuff until I get my things back.

So we arrive at karaoke, I take my obligatory shots and suddenly Katie is reading me a very angry text from Lance calling me a bitch, telling me I can eat a fat dick and threatening to get a “greater force” involved.

Really? Over a goddamned cd? Why the hell would I even want his house key? Like I’m going to sneak into his roach infested trailer in the middle of the night or something.

Things progressively got worse, we both said some hurtful things. It got to a point where I wanted to leave karaoke. I went outside and sat alone on my car. Christie and Josh came out to talk to me and something clicked in my head. Yeah, he said some hurtful shit, but why do I care? He doesn’t know me anymore, he doesn’t know what’s going on in my life aside from what he sees when he’s snooping on my social networks. And obviously he’s been reading up on my blogs because he started mentioning Jordan and that happened after we broke up so I see he hasn’t lost his stalker tendencies.

Once I came to my senses, I reminded him of the fact that I saved his job by letting him live with me for over a year, how he’s the one that cried for hours when I dumped his pathetic ass and threatened to kill himself over it. I’m much better off without his negative drama in my life. He swears his life is so much better than mine like it’s some kind of competition. He’s so fucking dramatic, spoiled and materialistic. He’d be nothing if he didn’t have money and alcohol.

Good riddance. Even if I’m single and I get upset over it every now and then, I’d much rather deal with that than a crazy psychopath any day.

WHY THE FUCK DID HE TEXT ME

god damn it

i really want to know what his motives were

why now, why at all?!

i’m not going to let myself text him again

if he wants to talk to me, he can make the effort

he can expect me to be at karaoke tomorrow so if he has something to say, he can say it then

Today is a weird day so far. I woke up to a text message from Jordan saying “Hope your well” and my friend’s parents think I egged their house and took a baseball bat to their car.

Thoroughly confused by that text, I decided I wouldn’t reply. I didn’t understand why he’s wishing me well. In his eyes, I blew him off to mess around with another guy. Less than a week later he had a new boyfriend and couldn’t even look in my direction. Now he’s hoping that I’m content with my life? What the hell is going on?!

It was sent around 3 in the morning. It had been bothering me since I woke up so I gave in and replied. “Things are going alright. I hope you’re doing ok too.” I realized that this is just throwing me back into the dark corner of uncertainty that I had been sitting in for the entire time we were dating. Here I am wondering what he’s thinking, what he’s doing, what his motives are. A part of me immediately saw this as a good thing. He’s talking to me again, maybe he wants to see me. Things might work out after all. Then immediately after I’m reminded of how much of a dick he was. He was never considerate of anyone but himself. He was selfish. I felt like I couldn’t trust him. I spent so much time being sad and angry because of him.

Now all I’m doing is wondering. I have a horrible habit of over-analyzing every situation in my life. First of all, why is he texting me? Why so late at night? Why so short and simple? I’m convincing myself that everything about it has some kind of significance when deep down I know that it means nothing. I can’t let myself fall for his charms again. It’s just so hard when I’ve been lonely since we stopped talking.

And this whole thing with Jessica’s parents is so bizarre to me. She recently moved out of her parents’ house. They hate me and Melinda and I was never allowed to see Jessica. Now that she’s out of their house she’s free to see me whenever we want. The last few times I was with her, I jokingly said that we should go egg their house or slash their tires. We all had a good laugh. I’d never really do this. I could get arrested if I tried something like that.

Her parents’ house was egged recently and last night someone smashed up their car pretty good. Now they think that Jessica or her friends had something to do with it. As much as I hate her parents, I’d never do anything to physically hurt them or cause any kind of damage to their property. That’s reckless and stupid. I hope they find out who did it. I couldn’t imagine any of my friends actually going through with it.

I’m starting to think that I need some kind of drama in my life or I might die. There’s no other explanation for why these kinds of things constantly come up

It’s been a bit over 2 months since I quit smoking. The cravings, though few and far between are becoming more intense.

I went to Tigerheat with a few friends last night and one point I was seriously considering sneaking away to bum a smoke from a stranger. When I see people smoking I long for a drag. I think and sometimes say aloud how much I miss it and kind of wish I didn’t quit.

I went to karaoke Wednesday. There was nobody there and I only sang once. Jordan was there but I only saw him walk in and once more as I made my way outside. I don’t think Wednesday nights will be so dramatic anymore.

I haven’t talked to Richard since New Year’s. He was mad at me for the way I handled everything and I can’t really blame him. He did tell me that he missed our brief friendship though. I never said we couldn’t be friends or anything. I’m not sure what happened, it just faded.

The awkwardness that came with my promotion is subsiding. I think I’m learning pretty quickly. I still have a lot to learn, but I think I’m doing pretty well so far.

I’m content with life. I know I was depressed and sad a lot over the last few months, but I have yet to be anywhere near that upset. Honestly, he wasn’t worth any of the grief and I’m much better off now.

I just realized I have given absolutely no thought to any new year’s resolutions.

Here are a few things I would like to change, but will most likely abandon by the end of the month.

I’d like to get myself in decent shape. I don’t want to be crazy ripped or anything. I just want to be healthier.

I’d like to read more. I just finished the hunger games and ordered catching fire. I want to read the harry potter series again. I have a small bookcase full of books that I haven’t even looked at since the day I put them on display.

I’d like to be wiser with my money. I don’t like being so broke that I have literally 3 dollars in my account every Thursday. However, I would like to go out more. I stay in the house a lot more than I’d like. I want to go to clubs and bars, see shows and concerts. I just want to experience more than I am.

I want to continue with my decision to quit smoking. It’s been almost two months and I’m starting to have cravings pretty often. It’s been pretty easy so far, but I find myself thinking that I could just have one or that if no one found out it would be ok. So far I have yet to cheat, but I’m afraid I might if I don’t keep myself motivated.

These are just a few quick thoughts, most of them are pretty common resolutions, but whatever. I’m sure there’s more I can work on, but I need to take most of these things a day at a time.

Happy New Year everyone!!

I’ve been a little out of touch with the world lately. I’ve received a few messages regarding my absence from tumblr. I have texts from days ago that I have been meaning to reply to.

My family is in town and they will be leaving soon. I’ve been trying to spend as much time with them as possible. God only knows when I’ll get to see the girls again.

Things have been pretty pleasant for me. I still have lingering feelings of loneliness, but this is nothing new or surprising. I’m enjoying my free time. It’s just that every now and then, something will happen and I’ll be stuck wishing I had someone to share things with. I’m convinced this is just an illusion. I was miserable with Lance. I was miserable trying to make things work with Jordan. I didn’t really give Richard a proper chance.

As lonely as I am, I want to be single. The only problem is that I want certain aspects of a relationship, but it only goes so far. I know that by now I just sound like a desperate, pathetic loser. “Woe is me, I don’t have a boyfriend.” but whatever, I’ll stop whining now.

It’s late, I should be asleep

I always end up handling things in the worst way possible. I’m always an unintentional jerk.